No Good Deed Goes Unpunished
by Pandora Culpa
Summary: Roy and Ed are trapped in close quarters for 24 hours. Grudging cooperation ensues. Written for Evil Whimsey's 2008 Fahrenheit 107 Fic Challenge


"What the _fuck_ were you doing here?"

"As grateful as ever, I see. I was saving your ass, in case you didn't notice, Fullmetal."

"Would that have been _before_ or _after_ you set the whole damn building on fire?"

"I'd say it was about the time that chimera was trying to eat your head."

"Things were perfectly under control! I could've got out of that!"

"Yes, and I'm sure Miss Rockbell would relish the chance to make you an automail skull. Only there's no way she could hope to match the density of your current one."

"Fuck you, Mustang. You're just sore that you didn't get to be the hero this time."

"Enough, Fullmetal. We need to concentrate on getting out of here."

"...Where are we, anyway?"

"I would assume that we're in the basement. When the building collapsed-"

"Because of _your_ flames!"

"- the floor gave way beneath us-"

"Because _some_ of us don't lose our heads when shit is falling on them!"

"-so we're most likely buried beneath the rubble. Which means that _you_ can be the hero this time, Fullmetal. So just clap your hands, and transmute us a way through all this detritus, and we can both get home on time tonight."

"..."

"Edward?"

"I lost my automail arm, okay? I think it got ripped off as we fell."

"Oh for the love of..."

"_This is _not_ my fault, dammit!_"

* * *

"So what's the plan?"

"What makes you assume I have a plan?"

"You're the goddamn _Colonel_, aren't you? The one with all the fucking tactical experience?"

"Yes, and you're the genius prodigy. Or so you remind me at every chance."

"So what you're saying is you don't have any ideas."

"None at all."

"Fuck, you really are worthless."

"And what do _you_ have to contribute, hmm?"

"We can dig our way out."

"And possibly bring what remains of the building down on our heads. Sorry, but I'm going to beg out of that particular plan."

"Then how about you set something on fire, so we have some light down here. Maybe there's another way out that wasn't damaged when the building fell."

"Perhaps, but the fire isn't a good idea at all. First of all, I can't see anything, so finding something appropriate to set on fire would be difficult, to say the least. Second, burning things in an unventilated space is dangerous. Not only would we be trapping the smoke in with us, but if we're truly sealed in here, then the combustion might use up more oxygen than we can afford to lose. Third..."

"Fuck, alright! Okay, how about this- we sit on our asses, and wait for someone to come and rescue us?"

"That was what I was thinking."

"...fucking useless bastard."

* * *

"...what the hell? My ass is wet!"

"I thought I heard dripping. The pipes were busted, probably."

"Fucking great. Not only am I trapped in a basement with a bastard, I've got to sit in a puddle, too."

"...Did you hear that?"

"The fucking water? Yeah, I heard it- felt it, too..."

"Not that. Listen."

"... That's not good."

"No. I think the debris above us is still unstable. We can't wait for a rescue. This thing could come down at any minute."

"Fuck, fuck... do you have anything to write with? I can think of a few arrays..."

"Nothing to write with, nothing to write on."

"_Fuck_. Well then, we're going to have to improvise."

"I'm open to suggestions."

"Just let me think..."

"So long as you do it quickly."

* * *

"_Edward_!"

"What?!"

"You're supposed to be thinking!"

"I _was_ thinking!"

"Oh, that explains the snoring then. Have you forgotten that there's an entire building poised to collapse upon us?"

"Goddammit, _no_, I haven't forgotten! I didn't mean to nod off! My head's just a little cloudy right now... can't really help it."

"Where are you? Come over here where I can-"

"OW!"

".... Blood. Damn it, Fullmetal, why didn't you tell me sooner?"

"What the fuck does it matter, I can handle it! I've been hurt a lot worse than this before, you know."

"You're losing a lot of blood, Ed. No wonder you're feeling sleepy. Damn it. We really don't have time for this."

"Well _excuse_ the fuck out of me, Colonel Bastard, for inconveniencing your goddamn escape plans..."

"That's not what I mean. I mean we need to get you to a doctor, the sooner the better."

"I don't need a doctor! I'll be fine!"

"Edward, for god's sake, listen to reason for once in your life-!"

"Stop treating me like I'm a _kid_, you stupid shit-!"

"..."

"..."

"..."

"Fuck, that didn't sound good at all."

"Sounded close, too."

"Okay, Colonel, we need to deal with that first."

"Agreed."

" Look, maybe we can't make a fire down here, but how about just a spark? Just long enough to see if there's anything useful nearby."

"I can manage that. It won't last long though, so look sharp."

"Just tell me when."

"Ready? _Now_."

_Snap._

"See anything, Mustang?"

"Not much. Brick, masonry, some broken boards and pipes. You?"

"Pretty much the same."

"Not so useful."

"We could scratch something onto the boards. Do you have a knife?"

"No. But there should be plenty of broken bits of stone or brick. Hold on a minute... There. This ought to do."

"That noise is getting worse. I don't think it's going to hold much longer. Quick, give me that shard. You're going to have to make another spark or two, so I can draw an array on one of those boards."

"I hope you draw fast."

"Faster than you, old man. Now give me some light!"

_Snap._

"Edward, I'm not sure that's such a good idea..."

"We don't have time to debate the finer points right now..."

"...going to do what I think.."

"...of course it is, but what choice to we have?..."

"_._..more trouble than we're in now_..._ oh_ shit, _right above...!"

"_Shut up and get over here!"_

* * *

"Well. This is cozy."

"Fuck you, and oh, you're welcome for saving your goddamn life. Bastard."

"It's not that I'm ungrateful. That was some impressive work. But I'm a little concerned about our present circumstances."

"So it's tight. I'm n_ot diseased, _Mustang, you don't have to worry about_ touching _me. Automail isn't contagious."

"That's not what worries me."

"So what's the problem?"

"Air. Your wall kept the debris from falling on us, but we're truly sealed in now."

"Oh. Well, yeah, that's a problem. But I bought us some more time."

"That you did."

"We can make a new array..."

"I don't think so. All the boards are on the other side of the wall."

"...fuck."

"I'm sure we'll think of something. Two brilliant minds like ours, there's bound to be something we can come up with."

"Yeah."

"Just don't go to sleep."

"Whatever, fuck you."

* * *

"Had any of those brilliant ideas yet?"

"I'm sorry to say, no. The soil keeps crumbling whenever I try to trace an array into it. The brick won't hold a consistent line from the shard, and I can't reach anything else. I'm running out of ideas."

"Shit, Mustang, I'm losing faith in you."

"Is that to say you had faith in me at some point? I had no idea."

"Yeah, well don't let it go to your fat head. Besides, it's dwindling."

"Then I suppose I'll have to do something extraordinary to revive that faith."

"Getting us out of this fucking hole would be a good start."

"That's a tall order, just to impress you."

"What can I say? I'm worth it."

* * *

"Do you hear something?"

"... Sounds a little like scratching."

"I think someone may be digging."

"About goddamn time."

"We're lucky if they are. With this much damage to the building, they could have written us off as dead."

"Al wouldn't do that. He wouldn't give up on me."

"I daresay you're right. But this is a big pile to sift through- we're the proverbial needle in the haystack. We've got to let them know where we are."

"I thought you were worried about us running out of air. Won't a bunch of shouting use it up quicker?"

"Yes. But if we don't..."

"Yeah, good point. But if we do, and they don't hear us?"

"We'll just have to be as loud as possible, and hope."

"Hey!! We're down here!! In the basement!!"

"I don't think that's loud enough."

"HEY! OVER HERE!"

"...You have a remarkably big voice for such a little person."

"_**WHO ARE YOU CALLING SO SMALL HE HAS TO SCREAM TO BE HEARD BY AN ANT?!!** "_

"_I hear something! It's coming from over there!"_

"Ah, now that did it. Thank you, Edward, I had a feeling that would- OW!"

"You're a fucking bastard, and I hate you! You think that's funny? I'll show you-"

"Ow! OW- dammit Ed, stop, it got their attention- OW!"

...fucking kick you right back into that basement!"

* * *

"Ah, Fullmetal. What occasions this unexpected visit?"

"Hmph. Al thought I should come by and thank you for your help in getting out of that basement. I tried explaining to him that it was your fault the thing collapsed in the first place, and that I did most of the work, but he wouldn't listen. I think it's because I was kicking you when they uncovered us.... Um... how are your legs?"

"Healing nicely, thank you for asking. How's your arm?"

"Winry fixed it right up. Of course, she beat the hell out me first, for losing the old one, but I'm kind of used to that by now."

"Well I'm glad to hear that you're intact again."

Yeah. So anyway- thanks, I guess. Now I gotta go..."

"Fullmetal."

"...What?"

"Thank you. I wouldn't have made it out without your help."

"Yeah. Well, I guess you wouldn't have even been there without my help either, and you did keep me focused when I was starting to space out, so let's call it square."

"You know, we didn't do so badly, working together. Perhaps we ought to try it again some time, when it's a bit less life-threatening."

"Only if you're gonna pull your own weight this time."

"As long as you've got faith in me, I'm sure we'll be fine."

"Aw, _fuck! _I take it back! I never had any faith in you! You insufferable bastard Colonel! Lazy slacker... I was out of my mind when I said that, okay?_ FUCK! I _hate you!"

_Slam!_

"Colonel?"

"Everything's fine, Lieutenant. Edward was just dropping by to give me his regards."

"I'm surprised that you two survived being in close quarters for so long, sir."

"I know what you mean."

"...I would have killed you much sooner."

"...Lieutenant!"


End file.
